The Sports Mania Relief Act of 2006

Be it enacted:

Clause I: Pro Rules
No Professional Sport “Season” Lasts More than Two Calendar Seasons, or Six Months.

No Hockey before November
No Hockey after May

No Football Exhibition Games on TV or with Paid Admissions
No Football before September
No Football after January

No Baseball before Jackie Robinson Day (April 15) [1947]
No Baseball after Curt Flood Day (October 9) [1968]
Raise the Mound Back Up the Six Inches Removed in 1969
Season is 162 Games Long, Including World Series
Make the Commissioner a Joint Player/Owner/Sportswriter Appointment, for Life. (Bud “Invertebrate” Selig, Pete Rose or any Friend of Jerry Reinsdorf's are Ineligible.)

No Basketball before October
No Basketball after April

Footnote: No American Soccer Announcers on ESPN, ABC, etc. Ever. Hire Irishmen If You Must; They Work Cheap and Understand the Game.


Clause II: Semi-Pro (NCAA) Rules
No Semi-Pro (NCAA) Sport “Season” Lasts Longer Than One Academic Semester

No Basketball Before December 15
No Basketball After March 15
Footnote: Number of Duke Fouls Called Per Game Must Not Prove Lower than 2/3 of NCAA Per Game Average on Penalty of Mass Referee Demotions

No Football Before September (Not Even in Texas)
No Football After New Years’ Day (Not Even for Computer Ranking Settlement Purposes)